By Barb Shelly
KC Mothers in Charge Volunteer
The road from Kansas City to Dallas stretched out long for Carmen Allen, giving her time to talk about the approaching Christmas holiday, her second without her son, Darrell Allen.
“I don’t know how I’m dealing with it,” Allen said, from her car. “I just don’t think about the holiday. It’s just going to be like a normal day for me because it’s too painful.”
Once a child becomes a victim of homicide, nothing is the same for mothers, fathers and siblings. Ordinary days become ordeals and holidays are painful reminders of rituals that no longer exist and family circles forever broken.
Allen was driving to Texas to be with her daughter, to get away from the reminders of all she has lost, and also from the knowledge that her son’s killer is likely walking around the streets of Kansas City.
Darrell Allen, 25, was living in Texas but had come home to celebrate Mother’s Day when he was killed on May 16, 2018. He was leaving a gym at the Ward Parkway Center when someone confronted him and fired multiple gunshots.
“It’s like someone sticks a knife in your heart and just leaves it there,” Allen said.
So for Allen and her daughter, Camisha, Christmas will be a day to get through. But Allen has some plans and hopes for the New Year. She thinks she’ll be able to get back to work - something she hasn’t been able to do since Darrell’s death. And she’s planning to continue her work with Mothers in Charge, helping other families cope with the devastation of homicide.
While grief is still fresh for Allen, Donna Thompkins-Brown has been dealing with her son’s death ever since Contillar Brown was
murdered on Oct. 2, 1994, at age 23.
“Of course it’s hard,” she said. “It will be hard for the rest of my life.” Like Allen, Brown works with Kansas City Mother in Charge as a core mother -- meaning she has lost a child and can tell the story of how homicide impacts families and communities.
KC Mothers in Charge Core Mothers. From Left to Right: Carmen Allen, Jessica Dydell, Latrice murray, Donna Thompkins-Brown, Pamela Dean.
While many families who have experienced loss due to homicide choose to tone down their holidays, Brown embraces Christmas.
“I just go crazy,” she said. “I shop until I drop.”
Her son left behind two young children and Brown felt responsible for giving them a meaningful holiday. “I felt I needed to represent him,” she said. She now has six great-grandchildren. And even though her extended family has experienced loss this year, Brown still tries to make the holidays joyous.
“The holidays don’t seem right, because of the absence,” she said. “But the ones who we lost would want us to keep living.”
When her son was murdered 25 years ago, Brown felt isolated. She didn’t know other mothers in her situation. “You go through your grief. You go through your guilt. You go through so much,” she said.
Brown joined Mothers in Charge this year to be a resource to others. “It feels like I’m finally doing something about my son’s death,” she said. “You need to get out of the house. You have to keep busy,” she said. “You need to know that someday you’ll find the inner strength to keep going.”
Latrice Murray, outreach specialist for KC Mothers in Charge, lost her son Darreon Murray-Brown on March 7, 2009, a week before his 18th birthday.
Darreon’s favorite holiday was the 4th of July, which his family used to observe with a big picnic. After his death, they started going out of town for that holiday, Murray said.
She does observe Christmas, with her daughter and extended family. Like Thompkins-Brown, Murray said her first piece of advice to devastated families is to simply keep going. “Life does go on,” she said. “You still love them but you have to live for yourself, too.”
Beyond that, Murray said, “Counseling helps a lot. And a strong support system.”
For Murray, Brown, Allen and others, their best support system is Kansas City Mothers in Charge. Within the circle of parents who have suffered the greatest loss imaginable, they can grieve, cry and rage. And tell one another that, as sad as the holiday season might be, life will continue in a new year.